Nakedness & Adornment

For the better part of 20 years I wore a wedding ring on my left hand. I took the last one off about a year ago, and have felt naked ever since.

Last month I spent time exploring jewelry shops in my neighborhood. These are not the sort of shops I frequent as I’m not drawn to traditional sparkle, and am not a fashion hound of any sort. I was skeptical about finding anything suitable, but I also knew it was time to choose a ring for myself. I no longer wanted to feel naked, and there will certainly never be another wedding ring (Yes, you can quote me on that). But I did want to adorn myself, my body, with something that brings me joy, and that expresses who I am–who I perceive myself to be–outwardly.  

What you see above is what spoke to me. Strongly.  There is something beautiful in its mix of metals, of rootedness with bends and curves, of shine and tarnish, of cracks, brokenness, and strength. I didn’t want to have anything on my ring finger, so I was thrilled when this unusual ring–sitting in a ring case on the bottom shelf of a display in the back corner of the shop–was a just-right fit on my middle finger. I no longer felt naked. This was the one. 

I share this because I want to revisit a topic I wrote about nearly four years ago on my previous blog. Here’s a link if you want to read: “Lost? Found? What about Determining?”    

That grand love affair–the one that first brought me to Asia- burned bright and brilliant. And then it burned out. 

I’m yet in Asia, albeit an entirely different side of the continent, and I’ve since settled into a new job and home and country. I find myself returning again to the question–who am I determining, choosing, to be?  I stand by the belief that I am neither lost nor found. I am. I am always with me. Always sliding back and forth along the synapses of my brain analyzing obsessions and fascinations, feeling hot and cold, pain and pleasure with my skin and nerves, experiencing weighty sadness and floating joy with the heart that beats in my chest. I know this body and am most familiar with all it’s components. It is not lost. I am not lost.

However, for the majority of my adult life my identity and self knowledge was at least partially tied up in being half of a marriage. If you know me at all, you also know that I am a fiercely independent, strong willed (often stubborn!), and confident individual. Now that I am living alone/solo for the first time since my early 20’s, I can see how there was always some amount of vice or crutch or buttressing which impacted who I was while I was in relationship. That is not an easy truth to admit; I’d like to believe it can be different from what I have known. But I confess to being skeptical on that front. I’m a bit raw from heartbreak, unsure if people can deliver on who they say they are. My faith in love will first need to be reborn. I hold hope that time will provide that.

I knew a grand and epic love, a love that moved everything, for a spell. It was the highest high! And then I fell far and hard and I know it has forever altered who I am, and who I am in my relationships with others. So yes, I have hope to be open to love again at some point in the future. After time….

I know from my experiences that one does not choose so/as freely when in relationship as compared to living a life outside of a primary relationship. There is an amount of sacrifice and compromise always at play in the ecosystem that is a relationship. As husband number 2 used to say–“you make your choice in life: Single=Being Lonely or Marriage=Annoyance.” Obviously those are general statements, and it could be “Not in Relationship” versus “Being in Relationship.”  It was an entertaining  and witty quip when he first said it at a picnic one afternoon. But it has stuck with me for many years. I can see the truth of it played out in my experiences. Percentage-wise, I lived mostly with the annoyances and limitations of relationship. I expect to learn and feel loneliness next. I’m not there just yet, but I expect it will be my next growth opportunity. As it should be. 

As I shopped for that simple item to adorn my left hand, I had to ask myself, “what is my style?” I had been wearing a ring chosen with a partner or by a partner for so long. My right hand has also been accessorized with rings gifted by past partners. WTF? I ask myself. 

I’m done with those items attached to past relationships. It’s time to begin anew.

Time to cover all those previous iterations with thick white paint and start fresh. Time to throw away the old rings, time to choose anew. Time to create and play. Time to choose jewelry and clothing and hairstyles and tattoos, and yes, even friends, that speak to me and me alone. They should, each of them, be a reflection of who I am in this age and stage in life.  And who I am is yet, and always will be, in a process of determination. Choosing to become. I am something different in this seaside place. I am different in this solo existence. I am evolving.

I am, for perhaps the first time in my life, entirely free from cages–those built by others AND those self-imposed.  And beyond an employment contract which I entered into freely, I am not tethered to anyone or anything. Yes, I am living a life of liberation–my favorite word in the English language. 

This has been a difficult post to compose. My thoughts and feelings are all over the map and I fear I tried to connect dissonant things. But you know….sometimes this is what our thoughts and emotions do. We have to muck through the dissonance to find harmony.